The Case for Regrets

To regret nothing is to have never grown up

Greetings, Party People!

Today, I’m exploring the positive side of having regrets. Today’s post is free for everyone. Please feel free to share it with anyone you think might enjoy it.

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The Case for Regrets

I don’t know when I first learned the Latin phrase carpe diem. I know it was before the phrase was a major theme in the 1989 Robin Williams movie Dead Poets Society. Carpe diem — seize the day — was in the zeitgeist during my teenage years.

I learned carpe diem before my friends and I sat in the lobby of an orthodontist's office one Friday night, waiting for Eric to finish his evening cleaning duties at the place where his mom worked as an office manager. This was the only kind of nepotism we experienced in our social circle.

Eric came out from the back with a white box, gleefully telling Chip he was holding Robyn’s dental impressions. Chip grabbed the box, pulled out a plaster mold of Robyn’s teeth, raised it above his head as if it was Excalibur, and proclaimed, “Carpe dentum!” — sending us all sprawling with laughter.

Eric asked for the box back, but it had somehow disappeared. We high school boys may have all known a single Latin phrase, but none of us understood medical privacy. (HIPAA was still two years away from becoming the law of the land.)

In today’s youth-centric culture, you rarely hear that dusty Latin phrase. It’s largely been replaced with YOLO — you only live once. In some circles, you also hear two words that make me shudder. No regrets.

It seems the only thing we fear more than death as a culture is living a life filled with regret. It’s common to believe that regrets are the mark of an unfilling life and that you will regret more the things you didn’t do than the ones you did.

However, this idea of no regrets tends to be an excuse for being an asshole.

I am suspicious of any adult who proudly proclaims that have no regrets in life. This is only possible in two dire circumstances. Either you have lived a life so cautious and insular that you have never done anything worth remembering, or you have never matured enough to understand other people's emotions.

It is not possible to live in this world and love others without also causing injury to others. To love is to open yourself to the heartache of hurting those you love and the heartbreak of love not being reciprocated.

To love is to live a life that will lead to regrets.

A regret is simply the realization of having made a mistake. Regrets are how our brains and souls keep us from repeating the same mistake.

Regrets are separate from shame. Shame is an emotion that keeps you trapped in the past — preventing you from growing and evolving. Regrets are a tool for living in the present moment, taking a memory of the past to keep you anchored in the now.

Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

Your regrets allow you to become a new person. Instead of stopping you from living a full life, regrets allow you to transform into the person you want to be. They are a tool for living your most human life.

My biggest regrets from my youth all stem from how I treated other people’s feelings.

I was timid when I should’ve been bold — reckless when I should’ve been tender.

The relationships I failed to pursue out of fear are some of the most vibrant memories from the days of loitering in the orthodontist’s office after hours. I hurt people who had some love for me because I was too timid to show my love.

However, the memories that shape my behavior and character the most as I approach 50, even more than the loves lost to my lack of boldness, are the times I hurt people through my thoughtless and reckless words.

I’ve always had a quick wit and a sharp tongue — survival instincts from a childhood filled with fear, bullying, and abuse. It took me far too long to understand that my words could cut others deeply.

I had to learn how to be tender with the emotions of others — having few role models from the adults closest to me. Too many times, I hurt someone not because I was intentionally cruel but because I was trying to be funny. But, just like a sharp blade cuts when it comes into contact with your skin, regardless of the intention of the wielder, harsh words scar even if the purpose is not malevolent.

I have forgiven myself for the foolish boy I was. I don’t carry shame over my past, but I do carry regrets. Those regrets continue to help me become the man I want to be.

My regrets are tools to help me close the gap between my current self and my ideal self. Regrets help me to love more deeply, live more honestly, and laugh more openly. While shame once chained me to living in the past, regrets free me to live in the present. Regrets are a kind of mindfulness nudge.

I strive to live each day to the fullest. That means working on showing up in the world as my truest self — being fully human — and being fully human means constantly falling short of my loftiest ideals. But that failure is a reason to celebrate. It is a sign that I am living.

I am not hoping to optimize my life. Instead, I accept my fallibility and work to help others instead of hurting them and to do the same for myself. When I make a mistake, I learn from it and allow that mistake to inform my future choices.

Someone who has lived a life with no regrets is someone who is not honest with themself or others. They are someone who is too weak to accept accountability and too cowardly to live a great life.

The next time you consider the idea of carpe diem or YOLO, allow your regrets to push you towards a more fulfilling, gentle, and meaningful present.

Move slowly and fix things.

Thanks for reading!

Be the weird you want to see in the world!

Cheers,